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How to get people wanting more of you

Am I going to make it? 

This question dogged my mind. I lay in bed coughing, wondering if I was experiencing my final moments. My body aching and deteriorating with every painful breath. Constant thoughts of death raced through my mind: Is this it? Is this how I'm going to perish?


Let's stop here and analyze this situation.

It sounds serious, but honestly, this is me when I'm sick. Which is a drama queen.


I always forget what it's like to be sick until I get sick. 

Where I'm bedridden, and every cough hurts not only my body but my very soul. The runny nose, the aches, and the constant need for cough medicine.


It's never fun getting sick. 

And if you're not careful, people might find being sick better than interacting with you.

Ouch!

I'm coming in harsh early. Yet this is some tough love that's needed. Being social is a staple in the lives of human beings. And although this might sound odd, being social is a skill that can be refined.


Yet, how many of us neglect this essential skill?

Well, in the West, that number is significant. Now, I won't be those dorks telling you what's wrong with society. That's boring and pointless. Instead, let me give you some guidance in refining your social skillset.


Starting with how people can get sick of you.

But before I answer that question, let me ask you: do you have any siblings?


If so, then you know what it's like living with siblings.

Where you think your brother/sister is not unique in any way. Yet, other people find your sibling exciting and, dare I say, attractive, and you cannot fathom why.


And that's completely normal.

The thing is, you (presumably) grew up with your siblings. You saw them daily; you're familiar with their quirks and almost everything about them.


So you don't necessarily see them as unique.

Well, this applies not only to your brother/sister but also to the people you interact with. If you spend too much time with someone, they will become familiar with you. And in the process, they won't see you as unique.


And if you're not careful, they will soon be sick of you if you make yourself too readily available for them. 


But why is that?

Let me grab my stepdad Baltasar Gracian to give you an eloquent explanation.


"Avoid familiarity when dealing with people. It should be neither used nor permitted. Anyone who does will lose superiority, which stems from dignity, and so lose esteem. The stars, precisely because they remain so distant, maintain their splendour. Divinity demands respect; familiarity breeds contempt. With human affairs, the greater the familiarity, the lower the esteem, because communication reveals the imperfections which reserve concealed. Familiarity is not advisable with anyone: with your superiors, because unseemly; and especially not with the rabble who, being stupid and so insolent, will not recognize the favour shown them and will take it as their due. Familiarity is a form of vulgarity."


Unfortunately, one part of human nature is not respecting what we see too often.


It's why tourists think your city is amazing when it's bland to you. Or why a foreigner will seem more interesting than a copatriot. It's human nature to be in awe of things we rarely interact with.


So, how does this relate to our social lives?

Interact with people, but don't overstay your welcome. In fact, make your visits less frequent and shorter. 


This protects others from getting too familiar with you. Thus leaving you a little more mysterious. However, that is just part one.


Part two is to ensure that you leave on a high.

This can be anything from leaving while your acquaintances laugh or after a great story. Whatever you think will make people feel good is when you leave. These two parts work together, where people will be more interested in you and want more. 


Such subtle tactics. 

Or, as Sun-Tzu would say: "Subtlety of subtleties!"


Sun-Tzu also says: 

"Be extremely subtle, even to the point of formlessness. 

Be extremely mysterious, even to the point of soundlessness.

Thereby, you can be the director of the opponent's fate."


Okay, maybe the last Sun-Tzu quote was a bit much.


But I digress.

People wonder what the X factor is in enriching their social lives. But as you can see, it's all about making subtle adjustments.


With the two mentioned tactics, nobody will know what you are doing. Still, they will know interacting with you is different.


Okay, but what else socially does this apply to?

Anything that involves you being social. From dates to business interactions and even the people you briefly interact with, like at your local gym.


Human nature is the same across the board. 

So, leave sooner and on a high for social interactions, and people will crave you more than the average person.


But wait, what if I'm enjoying my time and don't want to leave?

I get it; we want to keep the good times rolling. However, let's have some nuances. With your close friends, go crazy. But with people you are less intimate with, ensure you apply the rule.


Even when people are having a blast with you, if you overstay your welcome, you will dampen the positive aspects of your interactions.


So you want to be timely in your exit but also strategic.

It's easy to overstay your welcome and make others less enthusiastic about your next interaction. Or you can leave a little early and on a high, and people will crave you.


The choice is yours.

And before you start thinking I'm some social savant, I got this whole leave soon and on a high tactic from a sales expert.


Josh Braun.

So Josh Braun is the only sales expert I follow. In one of his content, he spoke about how his one friend Larry always seems to have people craving him at the gym.


And Josh paid attention to see why.

Well, Larry chats up people before he is about to leave and goes on to tell a funny story or something. He gets everybody cracking up and feeling good and then leaves the gym.


Josh's friend is methodical with this.

You see, he chats up people near the end of his workout, not chatting them up in the beginning or middle of his training. 

And when he briefly chats with people, he leaves them only when they feel good. Thus, they crave him whenever he pays his fellow gymgoers some attention.


However, some of you might heed this advice but take it too far.

Listen, you don't want to go all Last Airbender and be gone for centuries.


And what I mean is that you make yourself too unavailable. Where people see you rarely.


Here is the problem: 

People will forget you, unlike the Last Airbender. You want to put yourself out there and interact. However, just be strategic with how you do it. Not too much, but not too little.


But just right in the middle.

Gracian says, "Sensible moderation is the best way to maintain goodwill and respect because ever-precious dignity won't be worn away."


And at this point, it's sensible to introduce the summary.


Summary

  • If you allow people to get too familiar with you, there is a good chance they can also get sick of you.

  • As Gracian says, familiarity breeds breeds contempt.

  • The rule of thumb for social interactions is to make yourself a little less available (leaving a little early or slightly less frequent visits) and leave others on a high.

  • This rule of thumb can be applied to almost all social situations. 

  • With your intimate friends, this rule of thumb doesn't apply.

  • However, don't make yourself too unavailable; otherwise, people will forget about you.

 

Who knew there could be nuances in social skills?

It comes with experience but also the willingness to reflect on that experience.


So, use my experience to your advantage.

But be sure to reflect on those moments when people craved you and when they didn't. If you think hard enough, you will find plenty of examples from your past. But unlike those times, you will be more deliberate in interacting with others.


And if you commit to what you've learned in this article, well, you can be sure people will crave you a lot more than getting sick.


Until next time,


Bulcha

The Charismatic Nerd

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