In 1587, John White set out from his colony on Roanoke Island to England. This trip was essential for the survival of the settlement. As food shortages and hostilities from the Native Americans made life difficult. So John's mission was to get supplies and help for his colony. After three years, John finally returned to the colony with his goal accomplished. He was excited. Besides bringing the provisions for his colonists, he would see his family again. Especially his granddaughter, who was born right before he left for England.
But on his return, he noticed something was off. The colony was fortified and in good shape, yet completely empty. John couldn't find his family or any other colonist. He searched the surrounding area but found nothing. He could not figure out why or how they were gone. Many people after John tried looking for these colonists but came up empty. Even to this day, archeologists cannot find a trace of them. No explanation can be given for where or why these colonists disappeared. Another disappearance that might be as bewildering is when someone ghosts you. Especially when we're trying to get to know a new person. And the frustrating part is that we tend to get hurt when ghosted by people we don't know well. So how can we stop this? Well, that's what we're going to explore in this article. But let's start with the basics first. Why ghosting hurts us. The reason why we get hurt when ghosted by people we just met has to do with a nine-letter word: Neediness.
Whenever we get hurt by a person, we don't know that well, that is an obvious sign of being needy. Because when you think about it, why would you get hurt by someone you don't know. You are giving people who don't deserve any emotional investment so much power over you.
The power of affecting you.
While your actions do nothing to them.
We wonder if the other person knows how severe ghosting is. But the thing is, a lot of people don't think about how their actions affect others. Let alone new people they met.
In other words, new people you've met will barely be thinking about you. So we have to put them in their rightful places in our lives. If we hardly know someone, we should not invest in them emotionally. Not until they prove worthy of that investment.
But how can this be done?
To stop yourself from being needy and giving others more power than they deserve involves one thing.
It's not a complicated thing.
In fact, you're probably well acquainted with this through your line of work. If satisfaction is not met, businesses will be lost, people will get fired, and failure will be imminent.
What I am talking about is standards.
To stop being needy, you have to set standards with the types of relations you want. I know this sounds counterintuitive. We seem to put more effort into getting the connections we want with others.
But listen to me.
With standards, you have a guideline of the relations you want. So if someone does not meet them, you know not to invest in them.
Standards are here to remind you who is worthy of your time and energy. For instance, if a standard in your relations is to interact with others who are interested in you.
Well, with that one criterion, you can tell that someone who ghosts you is not interested in you.
And when you hold people to your standards, you will get hurt less. In fact, you'll wonder why you even let people who did not meet your standards have so much power over you.
All interactions with new people have to meet your standards. This way, you can invest more efficiently in people who like you and meet your criteria. And not lose sleep for people who don't.
People who have standards show a sign of maturity.
They prove that they are an integrated individual. These types of people are confident and comfortable with themselves. They understand that some people will be a part of their lives and others won't.
So they live an authentic life, not getting dragged down by insignificant things. This makes dating simpler. This makes finding a career simpler. This makes creating friendships simpler. An integrated person knows what they deserve. And they will hold others to their standards. Yet, some of you might feel unprepared to have standards. Not being confident enough to hold others to your standard. The beauty of standards is that it teaches you to start being courageous. And like I said before, courage comes before confidence. So when you start having standards, you'll begin developing courage. Mind you, start small. If a friend consistently replies to your text message days later, let them know you don't like it. Do what feels a little scary to you and build off that. Because as you commit to your standards, two things will happen. People will either start respecting them or leave you alone. And that's what you want. You don't need to be confident but courageous, which goes for life. I discovered this truth partially during my NoFap days. I know I bring up my NoFap days a lot. But it's one of those periods of my life that is so revealing of many life truths. It indeed was one of the best times of my life.
I digress.
Before NoFap, I was an insecure person. And whenever I got a phone number of a girl I was interested in, I would be excited to send a text.
But after an hour, nothing. Then 6 hours, nothing. A whole damn week and no response. This would crush me; I'd be wondering, "why won't they respond." This cycle happened countless times.
And each cycle would reinforce the negative thoughts in my head. Such as "I was unattractive" and "will forever be alone." Causing me to stop and not make any more attempts with dating for awhile
Then I found the NoFap Reddit.
I was intrigued and decided to give it a try. And over the next 100 days of NoFap, I felt different.
I felt more sure of myself.
Something that I can't ever recall feeling. So with all this self-assurance, I made a serious effort to start dating. And I went on more dates than the past two years combined!
And after going on a date, some girls ghosted me. It annoyed me, but it didn't bring me down. In fact, I unconsciously created a standard for myself. I only wanted girls that reciprocated interest. So instead of putting on a pause on dating, I kept going. And moved on from the girls that ghosted me.
And then I found someone who met my standards.
Then I found another person. This was an odd position for me. I never had multiple girls interested in me at the same time.
And this all came down to (unconsciously) following my standards. This made me realize how much time I wasted on girls that were not interested in me. I felt embarrassed to have been so needy and allowed girls I didn't know well to bring me down.
Having standards made me realize it was up to me to hold the girls I wanted to date to them. This way, I don't get bogged down by those not interested. And spend time with the ones that are.
Although you may want a similar trajectory with dating and even your social life. You have to prevent this one mistake.
Forgetting about your standards.
When starting off, you can't have your standards in your head. You need to write them down and review them weekly to remind yourself what you are looking for.
So when you interact with the world, you know what type of people you want to bring into your life.
A lot of people say they want XYZ but forget about it. And repeating the vicious cycle of neediness and disappointment. You have to take personal responsibility and remember your standards. Review them daily until they become a part of you mentally. And to help this article be mentally a part of you, let's get to the summary. Summary
The reason getting ghosted by new people hurts us is due to neediness.
The way to stop being needy while ghosted is to have standards.
When interacting with new people, standards will help you determine who to invest in or not.
Having standards with others is part of being a mature and integrated individual.
You may not feel confident enough to have standards. But holding others to your standards requires courage. And as you practice courage, you will become confident.
A common mistake is to forget about your standards. You need to make them part of your memory. Otherwise, you will fall into the same cycle of getting hurt when ghosted.
Becoming a mature person is a journey. And it requires readjusting your reaction to small daily situations. The way you handle being ghosted can tell a lot about your maturity as a person. So with standards, you'll take that next step toward becoming an integrated individual. Where you'll discover which people you want in your life. And the next time someone disappears on you, you won't be as baffled as John White. Until next time, Bulcha The Charismatic Nerd